Tag Archives: two week wait

Isn’t ‘life’ what happens when you’re busy making other plans?

10 Jul

I can’t believe that summer is halfway gone already! How is it that I feel as if I’m ALWAYS waiting for things yet that time flies at the same time? It’s crazy.

Mrs E. started her new job yesterday. She’s going to be adjusting for quite a while but she likes it and the people there so far. I am glad to see her out of the stressful environment that she was in before so I hope this is a better fit and she’ll be happy. Her last job dismissed her immediately after she resigned. That often happens to people who have security access to as much as she did, so she got to enjoy a 2 week paid vacation. It was good timing since she had family visiting but again, it felt like we were really busy and those two weeks just went so fast for her!

While her family was here and she was off work, my acupuncturist recommended that I go on a 10-day juice fast as part of my treatment. Even though I had a pretty good diet beforehand, it was apparent to her that my digestion was off and I wasn’t absorbing the nutrients from my food as best I could. Having nothing but pure fruits/veggie juice and water was a way to hit the “reset” button and get things back in order. When your intestines are healthy your hormone levels are more balanced and that’s what we’re working towards. I can’t say that it was the easiest thing that I’ve ever done but it definitely was very cleansing. My digestion and eating habits have improved greatly since I finished it and I think being gluten, dairy and soy free before it started was a big help. I didn’t really crave any foods or go through withdrawal as some people do with it and I lost a few pounds in the process. Unfortunately, I was going through this while we had family staying with us so I was still going out to restaurants with them while they ate wings, steak, indian food, and lots of my other favorites in front of me. I was committed though and stayed strong! I’m still doing juice once a day or so now just because I like it.

When all the juicing commenced we had our follow-up appointment with the doctor did that all the screenings for the IVF program with us. We found that I’m not the blood type that we thought I was, so that actually opens up a lot more options for us when choosing a donor.  We were almost decided on a few and when that widened the spectrum it was back to the drawing board. We are still trying to decide but instead of driving ourselves crazy we just take time every few days to sit down and go through some of them. We were told to pick three and put them on file at our doctors office. They will literally setup our account and order it with our credit card on file when the time comes. They told us as long as we have our selections made a few weeks before our egg retrieval that we’ll be fine.

The next steps are to go back to the RE we saw before and have our IVF consultation. Since he’s head of the program, it’s standard procedure. I was trying to be proactive and had scheduled that appointment for 7/13 before our bloodwork followup but they called yesterday and told me it had to be rescheduled. It wasn’t a long enough time slot to do the full consult. *Sad trombone*. I was so sad but the next earliest they had available was 7/24 so I took it. After that we should need one more appointment with a nurse to go over our med schedule and show us how to do all the injectables. I’m hoping that doesn’t take too long to get scheduled and done. If we have to wait past the 30th for that, then we’re probably not going to be able to start until the end of August. It’s frustrating but I’m trying to call and possibly get into a cancellation slot if we can. If we miss it, we miss it. It’s only a month (I feel like I’ve been saying that every month lately though…)

Lastly, we did complete two tries in June even though we knew we were headed into this whole IVF thing. Why not, right? Well, I didn’t expect anything and have been quite pre-occupied since then so I was just waiting for my period to come. Go figure…now I’m 2 days late. I did take a pregnancy test last weekend but it was negative. It shouldn’t have been too early for a negative but hey, stranger things can happen. Don’t they say that life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans? I’m not getting my hopes up at all but I think I need to go home and pee on a stick just to be sure.

Until next time… 🙂

 

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Rainbows, more impatience and acupuncture

5 Jun

We still have a few more days until we find out if this cycle worked or not. I’ve been a little crampy, had a constant headache and have been tired lately but as strange as it sounds, I’m not even focusing on that right now. I’ve actually had to consult my fertility app on my phone to be like “how many more days?” a few times this week. I’m looking forward so much to our next doctor’s appointment in two weeks so that we can find out what the heck our next steps are. I need to know. It’s killing me. “Whenwhenwhenwhenwhenfinallywhen?” is so much louder than the rest of my thoughts.

This past weekend we helped our donor and his boyfriend move to their new place and it’s about a 35 minute drive away. That alone has me  really feeling ready to leave our current plan and move on to our next step/method. Emotionally, I’m just not feeling very attached to them right now and while they will remain friends, I’m sure the distance of their move will only add complications that I just don’t want to deal with anymore.

We also attended a family reunion this weekend and I spent some time talking with my cousin’s wife who is an OBGYN about endometriosis and infertility. While she doesn’t know the full scope of exactly what we’ve been up to she did ask if I had tried acupuncture. I had given it thought before but was really surprised at how quick she was to recommend it.  It motivated me a little more to find a local acupuncturist and I called her today to set up an appointment.

Some of you may wonder why I’m doing this now and why I don’t just wait a few more days or weeks until we know what’s going on. All these little things help me though. They give me some sense of hope and control over the situation. These changes and a bit of space have helped me to pull more out of “my funk” I talked about last time. I’m not all the way out of the woods but I think I’m headed there. We saw a double rainbow on Sunday night, so we’ll hope that’s a good sign and enjoyed the pretty.

So, not much going on but that’s going to be the case sometimes as I’m trying to update more regularly. Oh, and there was this over the weekend too so maybe you can look forward to a post from someone else in the near future for a change. *Ahem*

Sometimes You Need The Funk

1 Jun

I have a confession to make: I’m a bad blogger. For some reason I feel like I should only be writing here when we have new things happening, which isn’t always the case. There are so many in between moments to this process and so many feelings that go along with them that even though I think weekly “I should blog about that”, I just stop myself. I’m going to try not to limit myself to that anymore.

This month has been filled with disappointment, (yet again) and also a lot of discontent and what I’ve just generally been calling “funk”. My wife was out of town for almost half of the month. She had a work trip that ran into some vacation with her family. As soon as she got back from that we started house-sitting/dog-sitting for my parents while they are on vacation. We haven’t been in our own house together for about three weeks now and everything feels very out of whack. Unfortunately, I started ovulating while she was still out of town and had to try to make a baby on my own a few times. The logistics aren’t fun. Trust me. Luckily, she did make it home for the last one. If this month works, we’re telling ourselves that THAT’S the one that took.

As far as our process goes, it hasn’t changed much. I’ve been trying some natural “remedies” and things like that to try to increase our chances. Even if it’s not helping, it can’t hurt. Besides, those little things help me feel like I have some teensy bit of control and that I’m changing up our experiment a bit and not just banging my head against a wall doing the same thing every month. First, I switched to plant-based prenatal vitamins. There’s all kinds of controversy over whether this is hogwash or not, but I figured that if I was putting these supplements in my body, I preferred to reap the benefits of higher quality ingredients. I threw the drug store cheapies out the window. Next, I kicked coffee all together. I was drinking decaf or half-caf but I’ve stopped that completely. The best part is that I don’t miss it. I’ve been drinking at least one cup of organic raspberry leaf tea everyday. It’s supposed to help thicken the uterine lining (so a little embryo has a better chance of hanging on) and assist with hormone levels for a more regular menstrual cycle, plus it’s tasty. It’s not caffeinated and I’ve replaced my morning coffee with that. Can’t hurt, right? I also drink one cup of decaf green tea in the afternoon for the antioxidants.

Another major and sort of related thing I changed was the transition to more sustainable feminine products. (Warning: If you guys don’t want to talk about “happy period stuff”, skip this paragraph.) I’d been doing more research about personal care products and things we use that are not good for our bodies and our endocrine system and bleached tampons and pads were definitely high on that list. I went online and I bought reusable cotton pads and a DivaCup about 3 months ago and I can honestly say, they’ve changed my life. It was a bit of an investment, but it’ll save money in the long run and I think my cramps have been severely decreased with the use of the menstrual cup. In fact, I used to opt for pads and now I much prefer using the cup because it’s that good. For those of you still scratching your head about this, basically you just use a cotton pad instead of a disposable one, wash it and use it again. Instead of a tampon, it’s a small silicone cup that’s inserted and every 12 hours you take it out, dump it and put it back in. I haven’t actually found it to be as gross or archaic as my initial reactions led me to feel. The cup lasts MUCH longer than a tampon ever would with no risk of TSS or nasty chemicals leaching into my body. I can’t even feel it once it’s in properly and last month, I actually forgot I had my period at one point. I’m forever a changed woman. If you’re squeamish about your own body functions or can’t stand the site of your own blood, these things may not be for you. One thing this whole TTC process has taught me was to learn and own my body. If you’re into that, this may be something for you. I was actually kind of fascinated by the fact that the inside of the cup has notches like a measuring cup and I’ve been able to learn what kind of volume is “normal” for me during menstruation. Again, not for the squeamish but I think that’s kind of cool.

As an attempt to get back into shape a bit more I’ve been trying to get to the gym 4 to 5 times a week but that hasn’t been as easy. I’m teaching spin classes but forcing myself to workout otherwise has been hard because I’ve been in this thing I call “my funk” now for about  a week. Maybe it’s because everything has been so disjointed lately, or because I’m worried about being disappointed again by our doctor or our next pregnancy test, I’m not sure. It feels like I’ve slipped into a little bout of depression and the hardest part is that I don’t want to be pulled out of it. I’m a pretty “glass-half-full” type of person overall but lately, I feel like if I don’t just sort of allow myself to be here with these feelings for a while, that they aren’t going to go away. Staying in bed in my pajamas for a week or so sounds really nice. I’m just sad and frustrated and I’m not going to let anyone tell me that I have to be anything other than that right now. Sure, overall I’m still optimistic and very grateful for what we DO have. I know that we are not yet to the point of swirling down a dismal pit of despair…but lately, I feel really wounded by this whole process and I know I’m completely valid in that. It’s difficult to convey the sentiment that you’re unhappy and you just need to be left that way. It’s not that I don’t appreciate having people that want to cheer me up in my life or KNOW what the bright side is. I do. I just don’t want to look at it right now. I need sunglasses.

I’ve been trying to do little things for me that won’t hinder our goals but that are completely unrelated to trying to conceive. I don’t want to spend too much money on these effort because it looks like we might really need significant funds in the near future. I tried to think of things that I really used to enjoy and that I might not have so much time for when kids come along. Like tap dancing. I used to be pretty good but then I quit and hadn’t even had tap shoes on my feet for about 9  years until a few weeks ago. I signed up and went back to classes and it’s been pretty awesome. I don’t know anyone else. There’s no expectations of me other than to show up and have fun. At this point, my class is mostly older ladies and I like it that way cause I tell you what…those gals are no BS, that’s for sure. This is their “me” time and they don’t let anything wipe that smile off their face for a full hour each week. It’s kind of nice to have that influence of pure joy and silliness, even from the ladies who don’t have high aspirations to be amazing dancers. They don’t care! I’m actually a little advanced for the class that I’m in but if I move up, I might lose this group and I feel like they’re pretty good for me right now. I’m content to stay grinning in the back row for a while.

My snazzy new tap shoes. They’re fun 🙂

In other news, some of our woes with our donor seem to have calmed down. He and his partner have bought a new place and are moving about a half hour away from us. It may minorly complicate things since they won’t be 10 minutes away anymore, but I think it’ll just take more planning. It’s more likely that we’ll have to be all be in the same place for a while instead of being able to make “pickup runs” on days that we’re trying. I don’t know that we’re actually going to be using him for that much longer anyway so I’m not going to stress about it.

Our next appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist practice (but with a new doctor this time) is in a few weeks. This doctor is the one who primarily coordinates shipping and transactions with the Cryobank, which we will have to start using if we are going to switch to IUI. We have some donors “favorited” in our account online, but we’re not purchasing or making any significant moves until after we talk to her. The wife and I have actually been discussing going straight to IVF and I’m looking forward to talking about that with the doctor a little. The possibility of it not working and the costs scare the crap out of me, but I’m worried about doing month after month of unsuccessful IUI only to deplete our funds available for which we could have just gone ahead with IVF. I really don’t know what to do. I like the fact of possibly having frozen embryos available for another egg transfer down the road in a few years if we decide to do this again. Part of me is actually thinking that could end up costing less in the long run…Thoughts? I know a lot of you have been through IUI and IVF already and it’s not a cut and dry decision. Do you have regrets about not trying IVF sooner? Talk to me in the comments.

As far as this month’s efforts we’re about halfway through our two week wait right now. One more week and I’m sure if we find out something positive, you’ll be hearing about it! To be honest, I don’t feel anything “different” and am not too hopeful for this cycle so far. Maybe it’s just my mood lately, who knows…the universe could surprise us. That would be nice!


E & The Mrs.

We now return you to regular blogging…

10 Apr

Sometimes this process is tough and the past few months have been no exception. I got frustrated and was dealing with some depression over the whole TTC thing and this blog definitely suffered. My apologies for the silence. I’m usually a pretty glass-half-full kinda gal but a lot of perceived rejection can bring you down a bit. I still tweeted about our experiences sporadically, but I hope to be getting back to it here more regularly from now on. It’s much easier to convey what’s going on. I’m really starting/trying to feel more positively about things again. Maybe I just hated winter. I dunno.

We have still continued to try to get pregnant with the exception of one month (more on that later). I felt at times that a break might have been important for us emotionally, so I cut back on some other stressful things to find enough balance to get by. I stopped teaching spinning classes for a while, but I’ll be returning to those later this month. It was a welcome reprieve, but I have really missed the designated exercise time in my schedule. I know I need that again. The largest project of my career launched in December and that is finally beginning to run smoothly and quiet down now as well.

One of my close friends that was pregnant had her baby and somehow, that was a relief. I think that circumstance was particularly hard because we had been friends so long and had so many mutual friends and family intertwined. It was really difficult to see their excitement focused on her pregnancy and then get asked “So how’s this going for you?” in the next breath. I’ve spoken about feelings of jealousy before and although the green-eyed monster is hard to avoid, it’s a little easier for me to stand when I get to hold my friend’s cooing daughter.

This cutie lives right down the block from us now

This cutie lives right down the block from us now

So we didn’t get any positive pregnancy results in those past few months but we certainly have had some ups and downs. Our biggest trouble has been communication with our donor and his boyfriend. We knew that at some point they were going to be doing some traveling across the country for a few weeks and we had conversations about how they might try to work that around my ovulation schedule. Basically, that didn’t happen. When it came time to leave, all of a sudden we were faced with their decision to now take a 6-8 week long trip possibly taking us out of the game for 2 months. Due to circumstances out of their control, they had to come home and we only missed one month but it still caused a lot of doubt and some “are we still doing the right thing?’ conversations between us.

I tried to look at the whole thing as an opportunity instead of a loss. I went to California during March and had a lovely few days with friends when I would have otherwise been sitting at home probably stewing and over-thinking things. It was a great time and I’m really, really grateful that I got to literally leave all of my cares behind for a short time. My wife was so understanding of my need for that distraction then and I’m incredibly appreciative of that.

When I returned from my trip, I went for a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test that we had been discussing with our reproductive endocrinologist since December. Basically, it’s a test where they place a catheter through the cervix and inject contrast dye  until it fills up the uterus and fallopian tubes while performing an xray at the same time. This allows us to tell whether I have uterine deformities or fallopian blockages and was the next step the doctor recommended to make sure we are not dealing with an infertility issue on my part. The good news was that the test was completely normal. The bad news, they do it while you’re completely awake and “this may hurt a little” was a bit of an understatement. Ow. Fortunately from what I’ve read and been told, this test also serves the sub-purpose of “clearing out the cobwebs”. Even if there are no major blockages to be found, the rate of pregnancy 1-3 months after having the test is a  bit higher afterward.  So then we planned to try again a  few days later. Cue the next dip in the rollercoaster…

Our donor and his boyfriend had returned from their trip but had been invited up to a mutual friends cabin to go camping for the weekend…the same weekend I was ovulating. Luckily, they know what we’ve been up to and they invited us along so that we could continue to try that weekend. I was grateful that it was much more of a house without cable or internet in the woods than a real rustic cabin and I could be pretty relaxed and comfortable for the weekend. We realize that the guys are doing us a favor by working with us so we really try our best to be accommodating, but this whole “let’s-go-camping-AND-try-to-make-a-baby” road show is really getting old. We asked to please really not have to do it again. Nonetheless, we survived it and got a few tries in that weekend.

Not too shabby for a “cabin”, eh?

So, that was a week and a half ago and we’re closing in near the end of our two week wait to find out if it worked. Our policy is that we don’t test until I’m late, so we still have some time and I’m trying to think positive thoughts since this month is statistically a stronger one after the HSG test.

Unfortunately, we’ve hit another snag though and the guys are talking about moving away. Pretty far away, actually. They have said they are and then they say they aren’t or they aren’t sure and emotionally, that has been pretty tough for me because I am a planner and I like to know what’s going on (three months in advance, preferably). We’ve had a talk already with them about communicating their plans to us so that we can work with them, but it seems they continue to disregard that plea and in some cases, we’ve found out (and been hurt) in rather roundabout ways. The bottom line is that we’re going to need to have another talk about this soon and figure out if this the path we are really going to continue on. Tough decisions. I’ve really loved the idea of having a known donor but the hassle of making it work has grown considerably since we started.

Lastly, I’ve been thinking about doing a little Q&A video in the near future about us and our journey so far. I’d love it if you would send along questions that my may have for us. Pretty, pretty please? I thought it would be a fun way to sort of get back to the blog and a bit more fun than just reading responses on a screen. Anything about us or how we’re doing this or feeling is pretty much okay and we’ll answer as many as we can. You can either ask us in comments, tweet me (@elyima) or if you’d like to ask anonymously, you can do that here (just keep it clean/appropriate please).

Hopefully, we’ll be back with news and a video next week! Thanks for sticking with us. We’re determined to become Moms one way or another!

The RE and this month’s results

30 Nov

We had our appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist last week and it went really well. He’s a good listener and seems to have a great sense of empathy for his patients. That seems so hard to find these days, doesn’t it? At the appointment we talked a lot about what our methods are and how the process has evolved for us so far as well as our philosophies on medical intervention and fertility drugs. He agreed that we seem to be doing most everything right and made a strong recommendation to change the pattern of days that we try. Initially we were inseminating every day for 5 days and then I was told to change that to once every other day for a span of 5 days. This RE suggested that we try once a day for three consecutive days beginning maybe a day before ovulation if we can time it that way. Apparently the every other day technique is more of a recommended strategy for heterosexual couples that are TTC with intercourse, not through insemination. (Cue *eyeroll* that the advice had come from this doctor)

Above all, I was really happy that this doctor heard my plea that I felt as though it was time to take action. I was happy that he was willing to make suggestions to modify our method, but I really needed to know that we were on the track to solving this. If we’re dealing with infertility and it’s me, I need to know. He recommended that we do some blood work to check my hormone levels about a week after ovulation and get our donor’s sperm count lab tested and go from there. Luckily, it was exactly one week since I’d ovulated that day and we could do my blood work on the spot. The control freak in me cried “Hooray!” and I walked out with a pretty pink band-aid and a follow up appointment in a month. So we went on with our life and our two week wait. To tell you the truth, I hoped that we’d tempted fate and that a positive pregnancy test result would be followed by the bill for those blood tests in the mail in about a week. It’s like finding the thing you were looking for right after you’ve gotten home from buying a replacement for it.

Thanksgiving came and went. My Mom THOROUGHLY stressed me out over stupid crap and just when things seemed to be calming down, I went to the bathroom Friday afternoon and noticed that I was spotting. I couldn’t believe it. Typically some light spotting 6-12 days is usually thought to be implantation bleeding and weird as it may sound, it’s a pretty good sign. The bleeding occurs because the fertilized egg is implanting itself into the uterine lining and about 4 days after that HCG can become detectable (which is the stuff that makes a pregnancy test turn positive). This type of bleeding isn’t rare, but only about 30% of women experience it. I never had before and therefore was never really looking for it anymore. We tried to keep a level head about things but admittedly, we were both pretty pleased with such a well-timed good sign.

I went crazy. My POOR wife. I thought my other waits had been bad and although this was not as bad as my very first one I wondered every single second if I was pregnant. On top of the spotting (which continued off and on through the weekend), I was tired, a little queasy at times and my temperature stayed up. I had experienced some twinges in the same spot in my lower left abdomen for a week. It wasn’t unusual to have them, but usually not in the same spot so consistently. We decided that we’d take a test on Monday morning since we were both off work. We knew it was early, but I thought  we might get lucky if we used a really sensitive test and could get a very faint line.

I woke up and took the test but no lines appeared. Despite the negative result, the symptoms continued though so we hung onto hope that it was just a little too early. That afternoon the spotting continued and I was still feeling pretty bummed about the test so we went to the gym hoping I’d get a little endorphin pick-me-up from it. I teach spin classes regularly so through this whole process I’ve gotten pretty good at knowing how hard I can push myself so I don’t risk overexertion while we’re TTC. With a full class, the spin room got pretty hot so I took it easy and hydrated a lot but found myself getting abdominal cramps towards the end of it. I eased up even more but it didn’t seem to help. After class I realized I had really started bleeding quite heavily and had gone from spotting to heavier than a normal period. It stopped for a few hours when we got home so I went to bed hoping that the worst was over and planning to try to take another test again when I woke in the morning. I still had 2 days before I expected to get my period anyway so I hoped it was just intensified bleeding from all the activity.

I went to bed last night and woke up again less than an hour later and was really disoriented. I remember feeling like I didn’t know what was going on or where I was but my wife said I was asking a lot of questions and just looking generally confused. I think I was in some sort of between-dream-and-awake place but I was drenched in sweat so she turned a fan on over our bed and encouraged me to go back to sleep. I don’t know if that was related to what was going on but it wasn’t a regular occurrence for me to wake up like that. The heavy bleeding had returned by this morning and I woke up with strong stabbing cramps. It was much worse than my heaviest period but backed off by midday but the cramps still have not. I’ve had a couple bouts of hot flashes today that last 5 minutes or so but then they go away. I’m near launch for a HUGE project at work right now and while I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it’s a very stressful time. I had to do an hour presentation today to about 30 people in the room and about 50 viewing online. Being in front of people was just the absolute last thing I wanted to do today but on the bright side, the day flew and I had no time to think about much else other than my work.

So it appears that we’re out this month. I’m not sure if what I was experiencing earlier was actually implantation bleeding and then something happened? Did we have it, then I lost it? Could this be from stress? I certainly hope it didn’t have anything to do with the spin class since I do them regularly and I’m pretty cautious about my limits. We try not to get our hopes up but it feels pretty devastating when something like this happens. We felt so close and now back at square one again in just the span of a few days. We are comforted by the fact that we already have another appointment on the books though. Hopefully, in a few more weeks we’ll be able to shed some light on the situation and figure out if we are achieving a chemical pregnancies and how we can make them stick.

I also just wanted to give a big THANK YOU to those reading this and still following our journey. I can’t express to you how awesome it is to know we have a supportive group of people behind us when it feels like the world is against us. There are some days (like today) when knowing that you guys are rooting for us and thinking of us really helps pull me through and keeps me from melting down. We’re determined to have our family and are so grateful for the energy and motivation you provide. WE LOVE YOU GUYS!

Test Time Anxiety

4 Aug

In a few more days it’ll be time to take a pregnancy test again. I always get a little nervous around this time. It’s such a hard thing to remain optimistic and think positively then to NOT be disappointed and dwell on it a bit if it’s negative. Every month it gets easier but I don’t ever think it will actually be easy. I try to keep those few moments in perspective each month, thinking “We could find out in mere minutes if we’re going to become parents.” I always want to feel the full weight of that. I never want to become desensitized by what we’re doing just because we do it over and over and over.

I’ve noticed a trend with other families who are TTC. The first month is the hardest. You want so badly to get pregnant the first time around. The likelihood of it happening is slim and the let down is harsh. For us, the second month got easier. I knew what to expect and that curbed a lot of the tension. The second and the third time got even easier. We’re learning how to do this when time is tight, when we are sick, when things don’t go as planned… We’re learning how to schedule time on testing morning to allow some personal space for celebration or disappointment. It’s consuming alright but I wouldn’t want it not to be…It’s a big deal, right?!

I psyche myself up for these tests (Ok, and I’ve gotten pretty good at psyching myself OUT about them too if I’m being really honest). I’m not as neurotic about it as I was for the first month, but I do tend to still “feel everything” that’s going on with my body. I still find myself wondering what could be the cause of every little twinge, but I’ve gained enough self control to stop googling every little symptom under the sun. I subscribe to the power of positive thinking. I like to believe that if I think it worked this time and will myself along each month, that one month it will happen. How do you do that and not feel crushed and completely defeated when you learn that you’re not pregnant? Well, you don’t. We can’t anyway. Instead, we give ourselves a moment to feel bad about it, then we throw the test away and we move on. We focus on the next month.

So no matter what happens, I will have nervous excited energy about the next morning that I get to wake up, look at my wife and say “Let’s find out if we’re going to become parents soon.”

Have I mentioned…waiting SUCKS?!

7 Jul

I’m still quite sick from last month’s tonsillitis. I’m exhausted by the end of each day and I’m tired of waiting to get better. It’ s been a month. I’ve been to doctors and a specialist. C’MON! I’d really love to lose this cough sometime this year.

I have A LOT on my plate at work right now. The biggest site project that I’ve ever taken on is supposed to go live next month and I’m waiting for tons of people to get their shit together and just get back to me about small questions or decisions. My co-worker that I share an office with is about to go on maternity leave. She’s checked out already and in  about 2 weeks her outstanding projects become MY outstanding projects. I’ve asked to hire temporary help during her leave, but it’s just not happening. I’m going to be a crazy maniac until October.

Last weekend was really stressful because I started spotting and we don’t know what that could mean. We’re trying not to take any pregnancy tests and just wait until I get my period or I am late. When we take them, we end up getting negatives which could be false because it could just be too early, but we still get bummed by it. The spotting was past the time that implantation should have taken place. Everything I looked up said that what I was experiencing could be completely normal and a phone call to my doctor’s office confirmed that but it still really scared me. I tried to carry on business as usual but all I found myself getting distracted and worried by every little pain and twinge that I felt. I keep hearing it COULD BE nothing. The COULD BE’s are killing me.

I had some pretty major symptoms this month. Exhaustion, some nausea, irritability (Like WHOA. Just ask my wife. NOT. PRETTY.) elevated temperature, spotting, cramping and bouts of feeling lightheaded. Then again, I’m also on new medication and still coming off of this hellacious illness so I really have no idea what to think.

We have three more days to hang in there. I keep trying to remind myself that life is not about the destination, it’s about the journey. I have to admit though, I’m feeling a little lost and not even sure if I know where the road is at this point.

Sorry for the Debbie-downer post but I think it’s really important to understand that this process has a lot of dark places along the way. It’s teaching me so much about coping with uncertainty.